My friend Gregg the security guard is a strange individual as I discovered today when I visited him and noted him pounding his head against the wall while crying out “Drop! Drop! Drop!” with each bump, bump, bump.
Testing a new headache remedy no doubt, I observed while waiting for an explanation.
“Nothing that simple,” he said, taking a momentary respite from his labor. “Even though I’m just a dumb old security guard, I’m much too smart for my own good. If I were just a little dumber I could be rich and famous. But I’m not, and if I keep bashing my brain maybe my IQ will drop.”
That is a novel way of looking at it, I admitted, but very hard on the face. Perhaps there are easier ways like watching a little more television or reading the New York Times’ editorial pages.
“I have tried the TV crapola,” he said. “but it’s much too slow, and I have to speed up things considerably if I want to become our next secretary of state. I have watched that government job for years and it is plain that nobody is going to become secretary of state unless he or she is as dumb as a brick wall.
“Now take our current secretary, Hillary Clinton, who has the absolute best credentials for the job. Recall that when her husband was elected president he told her to overhaul the nation’s Health Care System. She
produced an absolute fop; never even came up for a vote. And Bill was hardly out of office for a year when the news media began pumping her up for president. That fizzled when Barrack Obama won the nomination and shuffled her off to the state department.
“Now she’s leaving office after having helped create another calamity. That was the Benghazi attack which got our ambassador to Libya and several of his guards killed. Hillary and some of her striped pants cohorts seem to think the whole thing was just a Libyan prank which backfired –no terrorism, just naughty fun. As an added joke they stated flatly the attack was ignited by an anti-Islam video taken by some jerk nobody ever heard of. Republicans called her up before Congress to testify about the big mess; all they got was a bunch of BS bureaucratic double talk along with some crying and giggling.
“She’s not even out of office yet and already the media is grooming her for a presidential race in 2016. She’s being replaced by John Kerry, of Vietnam swift boat fame, a guy with the face and voice of an undertaker. He’s a loser whose main claim is marrying into the ketchup fortune. I’m not sure he even knows a foreigner much less how Iraq became a nation after World War I. No, I’ve got the message –the dumber you are the better chance you have to become secretary of state. I hope to take that job at a cost of about 200,000 bumps on the head.”
But, I protested, perhaps Congress will get to the bottom of the Benghazi scandal. Maybe Kerry will right the ship and straighten out the state department, thus dooming your goal of fame and riches.
“Boy, what a fat chance,” Greg laughed. Have you ever known John Kerry to straighten anything out? And as for the state department, the striped pants boys came up with this excuse for the Benghazi massacre: mistakes were made, but no one was responsible. Can you dream up a more bureaucratic cover-your-ass dodge? This isn’t their first rodeo. Back when Saddam Hussein was still running Iraq he asked our ambassador if we had any interest in Kuwait. She replied that we didn’t, and Saddam took that as an invitation to invade the place. Then President Daddy Bush jumped all over him and the two Gulf Wars followed.
“The sweet irony is, when the Shah of Iran bit the dust his country was taken over by mad mullahs with a thirst for atomic weapons. Our only chance of building a new “Gibraltar of the Middle East” lay with Saddam Hussein. So what did we do? Flatten his army and let the Iraqis hang him. Honestly, I just have to laugh.
“No, my path is clear,” Gregg said. “I can’t be elected president because my background is a little sketchy, but I can kiss up to some politician who might be elected and who just might appoint me to Kerry’s job. Then I can get on with my main target in life –how to either destroy the State Department or clean it out with a flamethrower.
“Of course, I’ll come up with something to replace it, like the Department of Tourism and Friendly Relations, a sort of State Department without all the paperwork, titles, politics, and verbal gibberish. We’ll run it like Justinian did in the ole Byzantine Empire. When barbarian chiefs come here with gripes we’ll just buy them off with money and send them home happy. It’s a lot cheaper that way.”
So you prefer medieval politics to our modern version? I asked. What about the more sordid aspects of Byzantine diplomacy such as bribery and constant warfare?
“Don’t make me laugh again; my sides hurt,” Greg said. Bribery is still with us big time. We just call it aid to the Third World and campaign contributions. A lot of our aid money goes into the pockets of local dictators, and that’s all right. They are the barbarian chiefs of modern civilization. The money is well spent as long as they give us no trouble and follow our policies. As for warfare, when has the U.S. gone ten years without getting into a little brush fire or at the edge of thermonuclear war? The Byzantine Empire lasted a heck of a lot longer than we’re going to.”
His tirade left me with much to chew on. Security guards have a lot of time on their hands to read and mull things over. Protecting the inhabitants of apartment projects and gated communities has forced them to become practicing psychiatrists, family healers, diplomats, mind readers, lonely hearts practitioners, first aid dispensers, and soothers of hurt feelings. In sum they’re doing a secretary of state’s job on minimum wage. In another sphere they are guardians of rental domesticity and defenders of the home turf –which is the secretary of defense’s job. It is not good to ignore their opinions.
And recent events and elections lead one to believe the public values incompetence and criminality as desirable attributes of its politicians and functionaries. Here in Alabama we have a former governor still serving prison time for taking a $500,000 bribe from a crooked industrialist. Five members of our former Jefferson County commission sit in jail for bribery from contractors on a huge sewer renovation project. Their incompetence in money affairs has left the county in bankruptcy with a four-billion dollar debt. All of these people were democratically elected to their offices by a lotus-eating and mentally paralyzed public.
It sure looks like the dumb have inherited the earth.